Friday, March 15, 2013

Everything happens for a reason, right?

So some people know, basically close friends and family, that Matt and I were having another baby.  Baby would be at the end of September probably.  It was kind of a surprise but we were really excited.  I was 10 weeks this week and finally had my first appointment! Matt and Sammi came and Bella was at school.  Matt wasn't sure he was going to be able to make it but he did, thank god.

So we went back for out ultrasound and our lil' baby popped up right away.  But I noticed there wasn't any movement and I couldn't see a heartbeat which at 10 weeks, both would be pretty obvious.  The tech was quiet but I pretty much already knew.  She said she had bad news, that the baby's heart stopped beating and it looked like it just happened a few days ago since the baby measured at 9 weeks and 5 days.  I was in a little but of shock but I think knowing what was going on before she said anything kind of cushioned it.  The doctor came in just to repeat what the tech said and then we went to her office.  On the way there I could hear a couple monitors that were on women in other rooms.  You could hear their baby's hearts beating.  It kind of pulls at your heart a little.

Once in her office she explained that they pretty much can't figure out why these things happen.  She told me I had 3 options.  I could go home and wait to have a miscarriage naturally, I could take some pills that would start it and finish it within a few days, or I could have a D&C which is a minor surgery where they put you to sleep and take care of everything.  Initially I chose the pills.  For some reason I wanted to be at home when it happened and I also didn't want to wait for it to happen by itself.  When I got home that night I put off taking it.  Not sure why, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Then I decided to research it a bit to see what I was in for.   Basically from what I read it was going to be really painful (even with prescription pain meds) and really really bloody.  AND when you are as far as I am in the pregnancy sometimes it doesn't work all the way so you have to get a D&C anyways.  So then I researched a D&C.  A quick procedure, you're out for the surgery and there's hardly any pain or bleeding after and it seemed like most women who had experienced both processes preferred a D&C.  The next morning I called to see if they could schedule me.  They scheduled me for the following morning at 12:30.

I never really thought I would be sad about having a miscarriage because it happens to people everyday.  But then again, I never thought if I were to have one, that it would happen at 10 weeks.  I think it was because I was feeling like I was in the clear, that I was safe.  The day before the baby's heart stopped beating, I had heard it at home on a doppler.  Matt got to hear it too.  It was a strong 165 beat per minute heartbeat.  I did cry a little.  Which really isn't something that I thought I would do in this situation.  I think I am more sad that all the things I was excited about- like having a big belly over the summer, having a new baby in the perfect weather month of September. Matt's trying to be there for me as much a possible.  He's disappointed too.

Now on to Friday morning, day of surgery.  I dropped Bella off at school and I guess Matt hold told her teachers earlier in the week that I was pregnant and we were having our first ultrasound.  They asked how it went.  I hadn't actually had to tell anyone in person what happened.  It caught me off guard and I almost started to cry telling them that it didn't go well.  I felt a little bad because they looked a little...weird, I guess.  One teacher gave me a big hug and told me she had been through that before too.  Anyways, back to surgery.  I had to be there at 10:30 and I couldn't eat or drink anything past midnight the night before.  I was DYING! I was so hungry!!  I asked if they did an ultrasound before the surgery just to double check.  While I really didn't have hope, I think in this situation it's completely fair to think that just maybe there will be a heartbeat or just maybe there's  another baby in there hiding that's just fine.  They were nice enough to do it but we got the same results.  No heartbeat.  Finally around 2:30 or 3 I was wheeled back for my surgery.  When I woke up I felt fine, just needed FOOD!  Matt came in a little later.  He was in his police uniform and I'm sure people that I was some sort of criminal haha.  We finally got to go home at 5:30 and he got  me food yay! 
I thought I would be really sad after the surgery.  There was no more baby in my belly, at all.  That's sad.  But really I felt more of a sense of relief.  Like it was finally over with and we could move on.  Maybe I will feel sad tomorrow?  I'm not sure yet.  But either way I'm happy it's over.  We want another baby but I just can't imagine myself having another winter pregnancy and if we got pregnant soon the baby would be born in January or February so we will probably wait until those months to try to make another baby.  This was a little bit of a roller coaster and it definitely wasn't how I planned things to be but I trust that everything happens for a reason.

No comments:

Post a Comment